A friend of mine recently posted about her encounter with a passive-aggressive personality. She commented on how such a person can make a seemingly pleasant conversation leave you feeling 'icky'.
I can feel confidant in speaking on this subject. As a PA person myself (a trait I have tried hard to overcome), I can say that the perpetrator is usually unaware of the fact that they are passive-aggressive. The PA feels as if they've been hurt or slighted by the person on the receiving end of their behavior. They also believe (usually mistakenly) that the other person is perfectly aware of the harm they have done them.
As a non-confrontational person, the PA avoids starting an argument and won't tell their receiver there is something wrong. Hence the 'passive' part of the term.
Instead, they act out on their pain or anger by altering their behavior towards the person they are upset with or by using barbed or snide comments. This is the 'aggressive' side of the coin.
They honestly believe that the offending party should apologize or act differently without ever telling them what the problem actually is. In this way, their offender is forced to become the confronter or starter of whatever argument is necessary to clear the air.
If their offender is also PA prone the consequences to the relationship are deadly. The target of the behavior cannot confront or risk argument and silently tries to work out how to appease the PA. Since the original offense is never brought into the open where it can be rationally discussed, it is never resolved.
I have lost many good relationships to the passive-aggressive syndrome; my own as well as others. That is why I will continue my struggle to break free of my fear that an argument is the end of a relationship. Sometimes a disagreement that is discussed and resolved can actually strengthen the connection between people who care enough for each other to see it through the hard times.
Relationships with family, friends, or coworkers are hard. They require work sometimes. However, a life without relationships is no life at all.
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