When I was thirty years old I came to realize that my drinking was destroying me and my life. I found a twelve step program and began my journey towards wellness.
At first I thought, twelve steps, twelve weeks. Boy was I wrong.
I heard within those rooms that a person stops maturing at the age they began drinking. "Impossible," I thought. I had begun at twelve. Here I was with preteen kids, a job, a home, responsibilities. I must have matured somewhere along the line.
Although my 'steps' took longer than I expected, I pushed on. I did the best that I could when I took my moral inventory. I searched my self and took responsibility for my actions.
Recently I read book titled 'Thirteen Reasons Why'. I suddenly found myself thrust back to those earlier years. I could certainly remember my thirteen reasons why! Oh yes! I was a very angry, hurt, lonely girl in those days.
As I examined the girl that was, my reflection shattered. I was not the victim after all. I was the bully, the brat, the budding sociopath. Such are the illusions of youth. Today, with age and experience, and also the courage and willingness to honestly accept the faults that I find, I release the burdens that I have carried along with me all of these years.
Continuing to incorporate the twelve steps into my life has given me the tools that I once lacked to grow and mature and become the person that I want to be.
I truly believe that the most valuable of these tools is the ability to refrain from blaming outside forces for who and what I think, feel and do. The quality that I respect most in a person is integrity, which to me is when who they are on the outside matches who they are on the inside. That is truly beautiful!
